I know that cover photo is a little dramatic. But sometimes depression feels that way, doesn't it? Like drowning. Although to be fair, I've never drown before, so I guess I'm speaking out of turn a bit.
And the text is lyrics from a Coldplay song that I love called Swallowed In the Sea.
But anyway, here's the thing: I’ve been pretty depressed lately.
I don’t know if I’ve been depressed because I’ve been exhausted, or exhausted because I’ve been depressed. Or maybe they’re unrelated.
But man it’s been a little overwhelming lately.
It’s been really hard to motivate myself to do anything.
Like write blog posts.
That feels like all I can think of to say about this. But that wouldn't be a very good post. So I feel like I have to keep writing. Maybe something will come to me....
It’s not working yet....
Depression is weird. I don’t know about any of you who have been depressed, but it sort of sneaks up on me.
That reminds me of a joke.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
You sneak up on it….
Wait, no that’s not it.
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way, unique up on it.
Anyway…. So depression…. It sneaks up on you. Or at least it does to me. Like I don’t realize that it’s hitting me for a little bit. Maybe a few days. I usually just think I’m tired. Or I’m a little brain-foggy. Like I have a hard time focusing or thinking clearly. Of course, that’s common for me. But with depression that gets a little worse.
Like my mind is tired. But I don’t know how to rest it.
That’s one of the biggest things for me. I want to rest pretty badly. But I don’t know how to.
Why do you think that is?
I think one reason could be our culture. Our society. It’s so fast-paced and high-pressured.
Always feels like we have to keep up with some invisible standard. Like we’re never enough and we have to keep pushing and chasing and we can’t ever rest. I wrote a book about that a while ago. About being enough. I think we always are, but we often believe we’re not, so we feel like we’re not. So we keep chasing it.
I think that’s one of the contributing factors to exhaustion today.
Of course there is also a physiological factor.
I don’t know what the point of this post is really. Maybe just for me to write something today. And to try to be vulnerable and get it out. How I’m feeling. I have a hard time saying it to people in real life. Feeling safe to. But maybe if I write it that will help me say it someday.
Of course, someday isn’t really real. But for now I’m just going with someday because I’m too tired to work through that right now.
Okay let me try to be a little more practical or helpful or something here. Or a little more vulnerable. Why do I feel depressed right now?
I’m not entirely sure. But I do know that I’ve been feeling stressed about money and being able to provide for myself. I’ve put this pressure on myself for my whole life to be able to make a good living and support myself and my family.
To help my parents even. And I know where that comes from. When I was a kid they didn’t have a lot of money and they were always stressed about that so I guess I inherited that feeling of lack and scarcity and never enough. And a belief that I could never make enough money. That making enough money was only for special people. And I wasn’t special.
So I have that trauma I’ve been trying to work through for a long time. Trying to change that belief. Only it’s been really, really hard. And it hasn’t seemed to work yet. And I’ve just burned myself out and exhausted myself in the pursuit of it.
Hence, I guess, depression.
Probably some more things at play. Like also working on my mental health in general and trying to heal old traumas and issues. And it just gets overwhelming.
So I’m a little overwhelmed now.
And I’ll survive. Because, as Samwise Gamgee says in Lord of the Rings:
And I guess that’ll do for now.